"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand" - Pascal

There is an odd clarity about a phone ringing in the middle of the night. Caught in the middle of a dream adrenaline wakes up the heart first. There is a stumbling realization that something urgent is happening to someone. For me there is a moment of fumbling for the phone, the light, a hand, some context my mind has not yet found its way to remembering. In the moment before the voice is heard and recognized, before I am drawn into what ever reality awaits, it is my heart that awakens and draws me forward into life. The clarity that exists in the moment of the ringing is not what or why or even how it is the simple knowledge that my presence is needed.

Over the years I have gotten the kind of calls you might expect in the middle of the night, a baby born, a hospital emergency, a mis-dialed number, and a traveler unable to calculate time differences in their excitement or boredom. All different situations but each one resulted in the same initial reaction, my heart filled with a response to life - I am here. I often forget until the middle of the night it is your heart that will call my heart to respond. It is your heart that I will remember and cherish. As words and memories and even language evade me it is your heart that holds onto mine.

As we move into this season of holiday's when so many greetings and gatherings occur I find my heart filled with gratitude for this community as a place to remember the kindness of a world where heart is more important than head. Thank you for reminding me and for allowing me to remember. I wish for you many precious moments, joy remembered in bittersweet times and safe travels to all who are leaving home to greet hearts far way.

As Fall

Ah fall, crunching sounds, musky smells, and leaves bursting forth into a brilliance of flame just outside my window. In the last weeks a feast for every sense has awakened with an almost gaudy flourish. I love this time of year. It is filled for me with wonder and the play of light. I can hardly believe that in the hurried tempo of life I have once again missed the opportunity to take a daily fall picture to catalogue this event. I want these pictures because I believe there is a deeper truth in this yearly event. A truth that I often wish I would remember for my own life throughout the year. Fall reminds me that as nature lets go it takes this last chance to expose all of its hidden colors and glory. The green chlorophyll that has dominated dies off and suddenly all the supportive elements shine through. In this display of letting go I can see that those supportive elements are just as brilliant.

There are things in my life that I know I have come to rely on simply working. Things to which I do not pay too much attention. I trust gmail to manage my calendar and email. I rest in long term friendships and familial connections. I even rely on the quick smiles and generous natures of those around me to engage. These are the reds, yellows, russets and orange that support my work in service to ministry. As a continual student, ministry is what I hope is the dominant green of my life, but fall reminds me that these other brilliance's must be tended, enjoyed and acknowledged for their support. This is a shout out to everyone who has supported me thus far along the road of life. It is also a fall like reminder to let the brilliant colors of life shine through.

Post 49: What is ministry

If call is to grapple with what I believe, to understand to whom I am responsible and to tug at what I serve than ministry must be defined.

Ministry at it's core, for me, is the willingness of a person to hold onto the hope, joy, creation, love, and the holy in the midst of life, everyday. Sometimes those moments are for yourself and the great whatever, sometimes they are for a gathering, sometimes they are held onto in the midst of a struggle to remember possibility when others are drowning in the fears of life, ... Holiness is what you are aware of and ministry is what you bring forward because of that awareness.

Day 48 - dreary before creation

I am tired of being clever - tired of trying to impress
What if I simply brought myself for today

A child of the holy I call g-d, no more and no less

Even though I am dreary before this stunning creation
I am still accepting, still remembering
     I am yours
     I am your creation
     I am your face becoming
     I am the edge of all that is and all that is yet to be

that seems like it could be enough.

Post 47: to be vulnerable

What does it mean to take risks? To be vulnerable and open to failure? Are there ways to measure this dance I make with my soul through this bending of time? What is gained or lost by not trying?

Sweeping up the floor I
look not at the brooms movement
But wonder at the swirl of dust caught in the light

Is that part of me or you
 or the plant on the shelf we always forget to water
The beauty of this spark reminding me of life and air

 I clean constantly not on one day
but throughout the week
On knees weeping with the weight of my overly fed body
I catch the hair in the corner

and wipe the stains of water from a mirror
Like tears, the drops formed from steam
Too much to release through the open door

It collects and reminds me of warmth and letting go
Does life always turn like this
Seeing in through the edges