Karen - Chicago/ Chattanooga/ Life
You never know when you start a conversation with someone where it might end up.
Back in November a conversation to say good bye to a good friend led to a temporary position as a remote software tester. Now November of 2012 will go down in my life as a time of transitions. Moving from Chicago. Putting Mike's house up for sale. Being granted sponsorship from Second Unitarian. Ending my job with Rainbow Hospice. Starting work at Care Team Connect. Transferring worship leadership for a contemplative Anglican service back to the more capable hands of the Rector at COS-Chicago. On November 19th Pam and I packed up the car - found a suitable place for Christmas Penguin (yes literally watchin' our back for the 900+ mile to Chattanooga via Cleveland) - got the last bag of Garrets popcorn and took the skyway toward Indiana. If nothing else we were on an adventure.
Of course so much of this was prompted by what seemed to be a sudden shift in my faith journey. Rejected as priestly material by a Bishop (the brand of heretic is what I claim) I was thrust head long back into that gritty aspect of life we call "the desert." Ah the desert where deception, possibility, cruelty and temptation live in diametrical opposition to the reality of your life. The reality of my life.
The reality was and is that I had claimed Christianity as I believed the words of Jesus - Love your Gd and love your neighbor (Mk 12:31). I had struggled with these concepts all my life and at COS in Chicago I found a group of people who were struggling with this core as well. I was not attempting to hide my doubt of John 14:6 the only way. I was trying wrestle with how I related to Gd. I can not be sure but I think I missed the boat on what most people would call Christianity. I spent my time looking at the life of Jesus not worrying as much about his death.
The stark desert reality that has come through to me in the months since that phone call from Bishop Lee (taken on a 4 lane freeway in the middle of Naperville IL) is that to be a Christian probably means believing that we are all born sinful and that Gd sent himself to die so that we could know forgiveness. That to be an Anglican means that celebrating communion is a celebration of the feast on the table. I know, I know, I know for four years I said these words what did I think they meant? I am not sure I have the space to write that today - though I have 15 more days (weeks) to document with this year question. ...
Let me start here. I believe that we are broken and I believe that Gd responds to this broken nature with love. Not fear, not reprisal, not terror, but Gd responds with love. I believe in the table of Gd but not necessarily what is put on that table. The communion we celebrate is the conversation - the conversion - of our individual nature to one of unity and humble communal celebration.
To often in my life conversations have become a sneaky way to create landing points for my opinions. I try to allow others thoughts to creep in and settle - yet - my opinion and perhaps lack of listening skills can get in the way. Conversation brings with it the notion that I might be changed by the thoughts that you have. Conversation means that I might just be converted by you into a better self or into this conversation. Conversation in this way becomes communion. Bread broken the stuff of our lives. Wine the drink that allows us to see each other as whole and holy, even in the presence (perhaps because of the presence) of our broken nature.
The desert brought forward two things - I am likely not a Christian in most people eyes, certainly not in the eyes of the Bishop of Chicago. Though I claimed this monicure while walking within the processions that make up the Episcopal Church - I am not an Anglican. An Anglican must be one who speaks the words and believes first even if there is doubt. Not one who comes with doubt in search of words that might hold.
The desert that I have inhabited of late takes on many different aspects, sometimes we find mirages, sometimes we find oasis, sometimes simply an offer that would chain us to security when freedom calls. I use this metaphor of the desert as that is what I have been walking with in this time as I sort through my life and try to understand the will of Gd in all that has happened.
I know that I am a minister. I thought that I was called to the ritual and practice of the Episcopal church. I have come to recognize that that discernment came when viewing this faith from within the procession not from the pew. I love Gd and I live within the worship of the holy but I would be hard pressed to state unequivocally that Christianity is the only way to that fount of blessing. I believe that the love of Gd stretches to all, it is our choice to partake or not of that gift (universalism). While I know that this is a belief that is held by many in the pews.
I think that Bishop Lee was probably right in labeling me a hertic (well that would be my choice of words given our dialogue) within his church. A Bishops role is, after all, to watch over the welfare of the church and its teachings. The Episcopal church is founded on the life and resurrection of Christ. So with me there is discord, while faithful to Gd, while profoundly moved by the ritual of communion, I am wrestling with the term Christian these days. A follower of Jesus and his teachings - yes. A believer in all the scriptures - no. A faithful follower of all the teachings of any church - ha. And there, there plainly, is the challenge. "You have a Franciscan call" - Bishop Lee stated. What Francis heard from Gd - fix my church.
So I am headed back for ministry within the faith of my youth - Unitarian Universalism. Which for me is the practice of the table, not the practice of what we put upon it in eucharist. It is a place where seekers come in search of community. Community that demands the best of us so that we might be saved and go out to serve the world.
I believe that we all have moments of transcendence moments when we know Gd, when we know ourselves to be part of a larger whole. These moments might come from being loved, from reading and absorbing scripture, from a pure sense of joy in service, from music, from worship, even from preaching, and from many many other places. I believe that these moments can transform us into our best selves. I know that is what I always pray for - still - these moments can slip through my fingers if I am not called to work with them in community. Community where other people hold up a mirror to my life and allow me to see what is actually going on rather than that for which I have hoped.
This is the work in any UU church (or in any congregation) that we call one another to wrestle with our moments of transcendence in hopes that we will be transformed. For UU's that means living in relationship (covenant) with one another - not believing the same thing but living to bring one anothers faith forward from the beliefs that have evolved for us from our experiences of life.
This week I left another corporate job.
I left because it is not the work I am called to in the world.
I am not a Christian. I am a believer in the table. I am a minister to the possibilities of conversation. I am a lover of life and of this wild and broken world. I am a caller of the holy into present moments. I am - no more than you - I am.
You never know when you start a conversation with someone where it might end up.
Back in November a conversation to say good bye to a good friend led to a temporary position as a remote software tester. Now November of 2012 will go down in my life as a time of transitions. Moving from Chicago. Putting Mike's house up for sale. Being granted sponsorship from Second Unitarian. Ending my job with Rainbow Hospice. Starting work at Care Team Connect. Transferring worship leadership for a contemplative Anglican service back to the more capable hands of the Rector at COS-Chicago. On November 19th Pam and I packed up the car - found a suitable place for Christmas Penguin (yes literally watchin' our back for the 900+ mile to Chattanooga via Cleveland) - got the last bag of Garrets popcorn and took the skyway toward Indiana. If nothing else we were on an adventure.
Of course so much of this was prompted by what seemed to be a sudden shift in my faith journey. Rejected as priestly material by a Bishop (the brand of heretic is what I claim) I was thrust head long back into that gritty aspect of life we call "the desert." Ah the desert where deception, possibility, cruelty and temptation live in diametrical opposition to the reality of your life. The reality of my life.
The reality was and is that I had claimed Christianity as I believed the words of Jesus - Love your Gd and love your neighbor (Mk 12:31). I had struggled with these concepts all my life and at COS in Chicago I found a group of people who were struggling with this core as well. I was not attempting to hide my doubt of John 14:6 the only way. I was trying wrestle with how I related to Gd. I can not be sure but I think I missed the boat on what most people would call Christianity. I spent my time looking at the life of Jesus not worrying as much about his death.
The stark desert reality that has come through to me in the months since that phone call from Bishop Lee (taken on a 4 lane freeway in the middle of Naperville IL) is that to be a Christian probably means believing that we are all born sinful and that Gd sent himself to die so that we could know forgiveness. That to be an Anglican means that celebrating communion is a celebration of the feast on the table. I know, I know, I know for four years I said these words what did I think they meant? I am not sure I have the space to write that today - though I have 15 more days (weeks) to document with this year question. ...
Let me start here. I believe that we are broken and I believe that Gd responds to this broken nature with love. Not fear, not reprisal, not terror, but Gd responds with love. I believe in the table of Gd but not necessarily what is put on that table. The communion we celebrate is the conversation - the conversion - of our individual nature to one of unity and humble communal celebration.
To often in my life conversations have become a sneaky way to create landing points for my opinions. I try to allow others thoughts to creep in and settle - yet - my opinion and perhaps lack of listening skills can get in the way. Conversation brings with it the notion that I might be changed by the thoughts that you have. Conversation means that I might just be converted by you into a better self or into this conversation. Conversation in this way becomes communion. Bread broken the stuff of our lives. Wine the drink that allows us to see each other as whole and holy, even in the presence (perhaps because of the presence) of our broken nature.
The desert brought forward two things - I am likely not a Christian in most people eyes, certainly not in the eyes of the Bishop of Chicago. Though I claimed this monicure while walking within the processions that make up the Episcopal Church - I am not an Anglican. An Anglican must be one who speaks the words and believes first even if there is doubt. Not one who comes with doubt in search of words that might hold.
The desert that I have inhabited of late takes on many different aspects, sometimes we find mirages, sometimes we find oasis, sometimes simply an offer that would chain us to security when freedom calls. I use this metaphor of the desert as that is what I have been walking with in this time as I sort through my life and try to understand the will of Gd in all that has happened.
I know that I am a minister. I thought that I was called to the ritual and practice of the Episcopal church. I have come to recognize that that discernment came when viewing this faith from within the procession not from the pew. I love Gd and I live within the worship of the holy but I would be hard pressed to state unequivocally that Christianity is the only way to that fount of blessing. I believe that the love of Gd stretches to all, it is our choice to partake or not of that gift (universalism). While I know that this is a belief that is held by many in the pews.
I think that Bishop Lee was probably right in labeling me a hertic (well that would be my choice of words given our dialogue) within his church. A Bishops role is, after all, to watch over the welfare of the church and its teachings. The Episcopal church is founded on the life and resurrection of Christ. So with me there is discord, while faithful to Gd, while profoundly moved by the ritual of communion, I am wrestling with the term Christian these days. A follower of Jesus and his teachings - yes. A believer in all the scriptures - no. A faithful follower of all the teachings of any church - ha. And there, there plainly, is the challenge. "You have a Franciscan call" - Bishop Lee stated. What Francis heard from Gd - fix my church.
So I am headed back for ministry within the faith of my youth - Unitarian Universalism. Which for me is the practice of the table, not the practice of what we put upon it in eucharist. It is a place where seekers come in search of community. Community that demands the best of us so that we might be saved and go out to serve the world.
I believe that we all have moments of transcendence moments when we know Gd, when we know ourselves to be part of a larger whole. These moments might come from being loved, from reading and absorbing scripture, from a pure sense of joy in service, from music, from worship, even from preaching, and from many many other places. I believe that these moments can transform us into our best selves. I know that is what I always pray for - still - these moments can slip through my fingers if I am not called to work with them in community. Community where other people hold up a mirror to my life and allow me to see what is actually going on rather than that for which I have hoped.
This is the work in any UU church (or in any congregation) that we call one another to wrestle with our moments of transcendence in hopes that we will be transformed. For UU's that means living in relationship (covenant) with one another - not believing the same thing but living to bring one anothers faith forward from the beliefs that have evolved for us from our experiences of life.
This week I left another corporate job.
I left because it is not the work I am called to in the world.
I am not a Christian. I am a believer in the table. I am a minister to the possibilities of conversation. I am a lover of life and of this wild and broken world. I am a caller of the holy into present moments. I am - no more than you - I am.
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