Awakened to a start

91.5 was on the tuner for NPR in Chicago. In Chattanooga it is a Family Christian station. Waking up to music and proclamations of Gds love was not startling but it was oddly off putting. The level of self-congratulation and self-righteousness was stunning. Was I like that? Am I like that? Covering myself in a truth felt comforting even if it fit snugly, even if it was only part of the truth. OK really I should say the active from - when I cover myself. I am still in this camp of holding onto truth though the "truth" is now more ambiguous, more symbol than words - still I cover myself in truth too frightening not too really - for me. I play with the image of the river and letting go to float free - some days I even make it there but less often than I would like.

So as my eyes adjusted to the dark I wondered – why does this make me so uncomfortable? 
I blame it on the subtext of rightness and wrongness, with which a message of love is delivered. 
Is that what makes me uncomfortable? 
Right and wrong 
wrapped in the package 
of suffering for being right 
in the midst of wrong 
equaling LOVE.
Suffering in the midst of wrong = love.
 
The juxtaposition of suffering and love. 

This odd message that suffering is a form of love is troubling to me. It seems a crippling view that love can be seen in acts of violence. It feel overwhelming to me this equation, years of people waiting to leave abuse, longing to be seen as righteous and long suffering, willing to put up with in order to be moving toward love. I believe that while love can be seen anywhere - that does not make suffering love. Suffering is suffering.

Suffering is suffering.

So someone waking me up with images that make make suffering OK is jaring.
Did I do that?
Was I that for someone?
Did I profess that?

As if suffering was a commodity to be bought and sold for goodness. This language of love catapults me into a realm of anxiety. If I can act, give or be something for someone else – do I ever stop to ask myself if what I am doing is generative? Or is the dance simply to believe so strongly that I act, give and be right in order to be within my faith. 

But this does not take you into account - or wore it demands that you are wrong so that I can be even more righteous in my rightness. NOOOOOO I scream - love is love. Be love for yourself Karen. Be love not right or wrong - be love. Because while I may suffer (welcome to life) if I love through that suffering I will be redeemed - not in spite of others but because of them. I will be redeemed by the relationships I have within love. It is so odd this pull between doing to affirm belonging and doing to set myself a part.

My partner Pam says that these concepts of doing in spite of my suffering promotes individualism rather than relationship. I point out they are relational but relational to ideas rather than to people. Ah there is the rub. If I ascribe what I know to be: good of bad / right or wrong / righteous or obscenity / just or evil - to something solely outside of myself and then I put myself at odds with ever building a relationship with that same world?

I am reminded of hermits. While there might be something there to find in the solace and stillness of being alone with Gd and your own life. You do not find rightness as oppossed to others - if the mystics words hold truth you find rightness with you own faith in Gd.

And I am not a hermit, I am not alone in this particular place of belief. I am individualized and still I belong. I belong as long as I am willing to live in love. Which engenders trust. Which supports discovery. Which demands my best.

Ah it is all so very complicated.

I wish to find my way letting go of this odd language of suffering and instead embracing the direction in which these symbols point. Love. Love at every moment and hope that when people see your life what they hold onto is love as well. Not that drama - not the look what you got over - not even the achievements - let them hold onto the love. 

Collect for the day:
Gd let me use these as guides you have given us a compass rather than a map.

Hold onto life lightly.

Hold onto life lightly.

Hold onto life with light and love.